The shy, little kid...

I come across a lot of the time as a really outgoing, happy-go-lucky guy. Between giving tours for admissions, singing in chapel, dressing up ridiculously for basketball games, and my position on SGA, I spend a lot of time putting myself out in front of people.

Most of the time, I feel like the little boy who used to run behind his mom's dress to hide whenever people would try to talk to me.

Wishing my life away...

I legitimately hate a few of my classes this semester.

Previously if I was struggling/frustrated with a class, I at least enjoyed the learning portion, but I just thought the tests were ridiculous. This semester I have 3 classes that I can't stand- I feel like two of them are a waste of my time and in the third I have to deal with a professor who constantly seems to be making sarcastic, condescending remarks to us, but I can never fully tell because the entire thing is in Spanish. 

Awesome.

I think I've said that I want this semester to be over just about every day for the past few weeks.

And then I have times, such as right now, when I reflect on such statements. Do I really want to wish away the next 5 weeks of my life? What would that mean...

That would mean five fewer weeks of enjoying the awesome school I'm at, where I get to be surrounded by awesome God-followers who care about me and my well-being. That would mean 32 (I can do math, it's just that we're already part way through this week) fewer days of time to create new relationships and strengthen the ones I've already begun to develop. It would mean thousands of fewer opportunities to show Christ's love and to see it present in my life through others.

I'm a junior now. I've got 3-4 semesters left here...that's for another blog altogether. But I'm realizing how quickly this all will be coming to an end. Do I really want it to come that much more quickly? 

Accountability

I really don't enjoy confrontational settings. I don't like to be the bad guy.

Tonight I noticed a certain habit that one of my friends has apparently acquired. I was actually quite shocked when I found out, and I didn't really know how to handle it. Not only did I not expect it of the person, but I was surprised that they were doing said habit so openly on our Christian campus. Maybe the second part shouldn't surprise me so deeply. But it did. And it brought up some scars.

I now find myself back at the point where I feel as if I need to say something to said friend. And I'm not sure how. I feel that I've built a reasonable level of respect to "confront" said person with the situation. I just don't want to come off as condescending or attacking. I don't want to be the SGA member looking down. I don't want to be the person who thinks he knows what he's talking about and butts into other people's business.

I just want to be a friend. I want it to be obvious that my action is out of love, out of deep caring.

I'm scared as hell that I might lose another friend.

Things I Never Understood Completely Until Now...

1 Corinthians 13:4-8

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices in the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. 

Love NEVER FAILS.

As I was in the shower this morning, I thought about how badly I handled a certain situation in my life last night. I realized that I had completely missed the point of love.

I wasn't patient.

I was trying to force those amazing moments, making them the basis of the friendship. I was looking past the person to the wonderful spiritual conversations I'd had with him/her. Trying to force a constant spiritual high instead of letting God just move.

I wasn't kind/was rude.

Most of the time I was. But at the last moment, I said probably the second worst thing that I could have said, just below I hate you. And I found myself in immediate regret.

I was envious/self-seeking.

I realize that now. I was being selfish about love. I wasn't loving truly, for I was expecting return. I thought that I deserved the friendship. I thought I deserved it more at that moment than others.I expected return that wasn't feasible. I thought to myself that I was making the effort and wanted to be met halfway, when I really wanted the other person to come fully my way. It was I who wouldn't compromise.

I was easily angered.

Something I've prided myself in, which ironically is one of the other areas in which I failed, has been keeping my temper. Being a peacemaker. Staying calm. And I was the polar opposite last night.

I kept a record of wrongs.

The root of my anger. I let things build up. I don't talk about them at the time and express my feelings in a healthy way. I let them build. And I guess I was harboring silent bitterness and frustration that I myself didn't even understand. But I did have that stupid mental record.

I didn't protect.

I said that this was what I was trying to do. I did in some ways. But I failed in the most important way; I couldn't protect the person from me.

I didn't trust.

Which, I guess I discovered from the situation that trust isn't warranted one hundred percent of the time, but in this case, I was never given a legitimate reason not to trust before.

I didn't hope.

I wasn't hoping. I was expecting the worst. The very worst. And I almost got it.

I didn't persevere.

I gave up. Getting angry was the easy result. As was writing a letter. I should have called in the first place and just asked to talk for two minutes.

Love never fails.

I failed you in the greatest way. I did the one thing that I told myself I'd try to never do again- let you down. I know that you've forgiven me already, but I still feel like I don't deserve it. I guess I still need to forgive myself.

I could go on an on with the should haves and wish I would haves, but it won't do any good. I've learned. I've hurt someone and hurt myself by seeing them hurt and knowing it was the result of my actions.

I know what I do to God on a regular basis. And He still loves me.

I don't think I really understood love until just now.

About the Title...The Fallout

I did it. It was probably the toughest thing I've done in my life. The reaction was good. Then bad. Then not-so-bad.

And I think I'm still ok. A lot of tears. A lot of pain. But in the end, I'm okay.

I made it through it. I became vulnerable to the friend who matters the most. I'm still a bit unnerved, but I'm growing stronger. And I think I'll be able to continue making my title true.

Hold Me Jesus

'Cause I'm shaking like a leaf

You have been King of my glory

Would you be my Prince of peace?

About the Title...

I'm scared. More nervous than I can ever remember being in my life. 

My blog as a whole is titled so for this reason: Agape love is that unconditional love that we experience from God; we can only experience it with each other when we are truly vulnerable, completely honest with one another. That's where I'm trying to get. I'm taking the first step.

And I'm terribly afraid. Afraid of the repercussions. Afraid of how my honesty is going to affect my relationship with the closest person in my life right now. Just afraid.

Psalm 51

1 Have mercy on me, O God, according to your unfailing love; according to your great compassion blot out my transgressions. 2 Wash away all my iniquity and cleanse me from my sin. 3 For I know my transgressions, and my sin is always before me. 4 Against you, you only, have I sinned and done what is evil in your sight, so that you are proved right when you speak and justified when you judge. 5 Surely I was sinful at birth, sinful from the time my mother conceived me. 6 Surely you desire truth in the inner parts; you teach me wisdom in the inmost place. 7 Cleanse me with hyssop, and I will be clean; wash me, and I will be whiter than snow. 8 Let me hear joy and gladness; let the bones you have crushed rejoice. 9 Hide your face from my sins and blot out all my iniquity. 10 Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me. 11 Do not cast me from your presence or take your Holy Spirit from me. 12 Restore to me the joy of your salvation and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me. 13 Then I will teach transgressors your ways, and sinners will turn back to you. 14 Save me from bloodguilt, O God, the God who saves me, and my tongue will sing of your righteousness. 15 O Lord, open my lips, and my mouth will declare your praise. 16 You do not delight in sacrifice, or I would bring it; you do not take pleasure in burnt offerings. 17 The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise. 18 In your good pleasure make Zion prosper; build up the walls of Jerusalem. 19 Then there will be righteous sacrifices, whole burnt offerings to delight you; then bulls will be offered on your altar.


Here's the background as what it would be like in today's standards: He skips out on work, spies like a creeper on some married chick who's bathing on her roof, uses his power to beckon her to him for reasons about which she is clueless, sleeps with her behind her husband's back, knocks her up, tries to cover it up by getting her husband to sleep with her (which could never work now, since we have wonderful shows like Maury to create big drama about the DNA testing [David, the DNA test shows that you ARE the father...]), and then has him murdered to finally resolve the situation. Then after all is said and done, some guy WAY below his social class comes up to him and puts what he did wrong right in his face. He probably could have had this guy killed, too.

Soap opera much?

But the given scripture is why David was the man after God's own heart.

David effed it up pretty well. And fortunately, he had a guy like Nathan to come up to him and be like, "Hey moron, do you realize what you did? Remember what you stand for? Remember whose you are?"

David listened to Nathan.

He was humbled.

And he cried out to God.

This scripture was brought back to my attention this weekend as I was (indirectly) helping someone with an issue with which he was dealing in his life. But for me the scripture reminded me once again that even the best of us fall short (Rom 3:23). I like David a lot. He's real and you can tell that he felt passionately strong emotions, which are evident throughout the Psalms. He doesn't sugarcoat things in his conversations with God. When he's frustrated, he lets God know. Or when he's happy. Or thankful.

Or feeling guilty and shamed.

I screw up a lot. Some of them have been "bigger" than others, and I use quotes only because all sins are equal. Yet God still loves. Even when I feel unlovable, when I don't love myself, when I feel dirty and broken, he loves.

The verse that really hit me this time was verse 12: Restore to me the joy of your salvation and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me.

For a while, I really had made my relationship with God a burdensome thing. A responsibility. A requirement. Another item on the LONG to-do list. I had to go to church. I had to go to chapel. I had to do this Bible study.

I'd lost my passion. I'd lost my joy. And I'm finally starting to recapture them.

Running

While sitting with friends at Rio (our local Mexican restaurant) Monday night, my friend AJ, who's basically like my younger brother, mentioned that he'd been running. I happened to say, "I really need to start running," a phrase I had used so many times one would think it was my mantra. AJ called me on it. "How long have you been saying that, Robert?"

He'd made his point.

Yesterday evening I ran for the first time since the opening weeks of summer break. I only made it 2.5 miles (though I think I could have gone farther had I slightly slowed my already snail-like pace), but it still felt good. I think a small part of me did it just to prove AJ wrong, but there was a part of me that truly longed to do it, to get back into shape, to feel the contentment that only a good, hard exercise session can offer. I'm actually getting ready to go run with AJ in a few minutes.

But as I sit here with my thoughts, I wonder: Haven't I been doing the exact same thing with God?

I really need to get in my Bible more. I really need to spend more time in prayer. I really need to stop doing this or that. I really need to be a better witness.

Just like sitting on my butt and saying that I need to run won't get me in better physical shape, sitting on my butt and giving mouth service to my relationship with Christ won't bring me any closer to Him.

Pray for me. And keep me accountable.

Out of the same mouth...

"Out of the same mouth come praise and cursing; my brothers, this should not be..."

I've been pondering the concept of cursing a lot lately. It seems to have become a lot more socially acceptable and liberally used than I ever really remember. Culture defines language- the meaning of words, what words are acceptable, etc. Following that line of thought, I suppose it's possible that the forbidden four-letter words perhaps aren't quite as terrible as they once were.

I suppose my biggest concern with language, as with many questionable things, is how it looks to non-Christians. I guess I feel in many ways that it's another one of those Romans 14 issues; it's not necessarily wrong, BUT.

We need to be conscious of how the things we do and say affect others. Are we really in the world and not of the world? Do we look different? Are our words overshadowing Christ within us?

I

Love and Basketball

Ok, so I watched this movie tonight for the first time. I really enjoyed it, as I do most any sappy love story or any sappy sports story. This just happened to combine the two. I'm by no means a movie connoisseur, so I can't say much concerning the cinematographic quality of the movie; judge that for yourselves.

Anyway, there were a few quotes within the movie that stood out to me. This one takes place after Monica, the female lead (played by Sanaa McCoy Lathan), makes her first breakthrough at the college level. She expresses her surprise at the coach making her the starter, since she feels as if the coach has been constantly ragging on her, constantly yelling at her. The coach responds in this way:

"You think I'd go hoarse for a player with no potential? When I ignore you... then you worry."

I think that's kinda how God feels.

We have potential. Why else would he have sent Jesus to die?

We have potential.

I have potential.

Sometimes that's hard for me to see. I can be just a little bit cynical (and a lot sarcastic, if you know me) and that cynicism usually is turned inward. I often get so lost in comparing myself to other people, which is kinda like grading a Scantron test against the wrong answer key; no matter the amount of effort you put in, you're gonna a see a few accurate results by happenstance and a bunch of inaccurate, worthless crap that doesn't represent true ability. Okay, this is starting to ramble...

"When I ignore you, then you worry..."

I have to often watch myself concerning this too.

I've let myself get really wrapped up in stuff and put my relationship with God a bit on the back burner. It's there, I'm kinda conscious of it, but I'm not paying much attention to it and it's begun to boil dry. (I blame the stupid analogies to the fact that I'm for some reason still awake at 2 in the morning.) But with that, it's easy for me to feel that God is ignoring me during those times when it seems things are going contrary to my desires.

I have potential.

Back to High School

Our SGA Executive meeting today felt like something out of a bad high school melodrama. And I don't really feel that it accomplished everything for which it was purposed. Bashing behind others backs, childish obstinance...I left feeling very frustrated.

But did I say anything during the meeting?

No.
I didn't.
Why didn't I?
Because I'm just as bad as everyone else.

I fall under the other polar opposite; when stuff happens, I know what I need to say, but instead, I become very wishy-washy and do anything I can to avoid confrontation.

As Christians, we are called to keep one another accountable; at the same time, we are also called to encourage. I guess what I'm saying is that there is a tactful way to do everything. And failing to act isn't a proper response either.

Again, I really believe that our meeting, though it did remind us of our responsiblity of accountability, did little more than increase the chasm amidst members of our group, both on personal and group-oriented levels. And now I feel the need to rectify the situation, but I am at a complete loss concerning the pathway. Theoretically, I need to simply talk to each one of them individually; and while I am a Developer and Restorative (thank you StrengthsQuest...), as I earlier mentioned, confrontation is not one of my strong suits. Hence my high Harmony rating. [Gah, ever since NSLC, I've been thinking in terms of StrengthsQuest traits. Forgive me.]

So, I find myself at a Pauline, Romans 7 crux. Am I going to do the good that I know to do?

I hope so.

A Beginning...

The ocean captivates me.

I spent the past week with the executive council of our SGA at Point Loma Naz in San Diego, meeting with student leaders from all the other Nazarene universities. We did some amazing things while we were down there, from batting around ideas to baseball games to a harbor cruise. We even started the first Nazarene rave (I guess I don't really have proof that it was the first one- it just sounds good). Yet nothing topped the mere sight of the ocean.

I'm not quite sure what it is that draws me so deeply that I'm oblivious to everything else. Perhaps it's the soft, rhythmic song played by the waves as they strike upon the shore. Perhaps it's the utter vastness of blue ocean meeting blue sky, an expanse stretching out towards infinitude. Perhaps it's the tritely yet helplessly romantic idea of long walks on the beach beneath the pale moonlight, gazing tenderly at one's beloved. All of these portray scenes of a beautiful, heartwarming love story.

I need God back in that love story.