Things I Never Understood Completely Until Now...

1 Corinthians 13:4-8

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices in the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. 

Love NEVER FAILS.

As I was in the shower this morning, I thought about how badly I handled a certain situation in my life last night. I realized that I had completely missed the point of love.

I wasn't patient.

I was trying to force those amazing moments, making them the basis of the friendship. I was looking past the person to the wonderful spiritual conversations I'd had with him/her. Trying to force a constant spiritual high instead of letting God just move.

I wasn't kind/was rude.

Most of the time I was. But at the last moment, I said probably the second worst thing that I could have said, just below I hate you. And I found myself in immediate regret.

I was envious/self-seeking.

I realize that now. I was being selfish about love. I wasn't loving truly, for I was expecting return. I thought that I deserved the friendship. I thought I deserved it more at that moment than others.I expected return that wasn't feasible. I thought to myself that I was making the effort and wanted to be met halfway, when I really wanted the other person to come fully my way. It was I who wouldn't compromise.

I was easily angered.

Something I've prided myself in, which ironically is one of the other areas in which I failed, has been keeping my temper. Being a peacemaker. Staying calm. And I was the polar opposite last night.

I kept a record of wrongs.

The root of my anger. I let things build up. I don't talk about them at the time and express my feelings in a healthy way. I let them build. And I guess I was harboring silent bitterness and frustration that I myself didn't even understand. But I did have that stupid mental record.

I didn't protect.

I said that this was what I was trying to do. I did in some ways. But I failed in the most important way; I couldn't protect the person from me.

I didn't trust.

Which, I guess I discovered from the situation that trust isn't warranted one hundred percent of the time, but in this case, I was never given a legitimate reason not to trust before.

I didn't hope.

I wasn't hoping. I was expecting the worst. The very worst. And I almost got it.

I didn't persevere.

I gave up. Getting angry was the easy result. As was writing a letter. I should have called in the first place and just asked to talk for two minutes.

Love never fails.

I failed you in the greatest way. I did the one thing that I told myself I'd try to never do again- let you down. I know that you've forgiven me already, but I still feel like I don't deserve it. I guess I still need to forgive myself.

I could go on an on with the should haves and wish I would haves, but it won't do any good. I've learned. I've hurt someone and hurt myself by seeing them hurt and knowing it was the result of my actions.

I know what I do to God on a regular basis. And He still loves me.

I don't think I really understood love until just now.