Things I Never Understood Completely Until Now...

1 Corinthians 13:4-8

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices in the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. 

Love NEVER FAILS.

As I was in the shower this morning, I thought about how badly I handled a certain situation in my life last night. I realized that I had completely missed the point of love.

I wasn't patient.

I was trying to force those amazing moments, making them the basis of the friendship. I was looking past the person to the wonderful spiritual conversations I'd had with him/her. Trying to force a constant spiritual high instead of letting God just move.

I wasn't kind/was rude.

Most of the time I was. But at the last moment, I said probably the second worst thing that I could have said, just below I hate you. And I found myself in immediate regret.

I was envious/self-seeking.

I realize that now. I was being selfish about love. I wasn't loving truly, for I was expecting return. I thought that I deserved the friendship. I thought I deserved it more at that moment than others.I expected return that wasn't feasible. I thought to myself that I was making the effort and wanted to be met halfway, when I really wanted the other person to come fully my way. It was I who wouldn't compromise.

I was easily angered.

Something I've prided myself in, which ironically is one of the other areas in which I failed, has been keeping my temper. Being a peacemaker. Staying calm. And I was the polar opposite last night.

I kept a record of wrongs.

The root of my anger. I let things build up. I don't talk about them at the time and express my feelings in a healthy way. I let them build. And I guess I was harboring silent bitterness and frustration that I myself didn't even understand. But I did have that stupid mental record.

I didn't protect.

I said that this was what I was trying to do. I did in some ways. But I failed in the most important way; I couldn't protect the person from me.

I didn't trust.

Which, I guess I discovered from the situation that trust isn't warranted one hundred percent of the time, but in this case, I was never given a legitimate reason not to trust before.

I didn't hope.

I wasn't hoping. I was expecting the worst. The very worst. And I almost got it.

I didn't persevere.

I gave up. Getting angry was the easy result. As was writing a letter. I should have called in the first place and just asked to talk for two minutes.

Love never fails.

I failed you in the greatest way. I did the one thing that I told myself I'd try to never do again- let you down. I know that you've forgiven me already, but I still feel like I don't deserve it. I guess I still need to forgive myself.

I could go on an on with the should haves and wish I would haves, but it won't do any good. I've learned. I've hurt someone and hurt myself by seeing them hurt and knowing it was the result of my actions.

I know what I do to God on a regular basis. And He still loves me.

I don't think I really understood love until just now.

About the Title...The Fallout

I did it. It was probably the toughest thing I've done in my life. The reaction was good. Then bad. Then not-so-bad.

And I think I'm still ok. A lot of tears. A lot of pain. But in the end, I'm okay.

I made it through it. I became vulnerable to the friend who matters the most. I'm still a bit unnerved, but I'm growing stronger. And I think I'll be able to continue making my title true.

Hold Me Jesus

'Cause I'm shaking like a leaf

You have been King of my glory

Would you be my Prince of peace?

About the Title...

I'm scared. More nervous than I can ever remember being in my life. 

My blog as a whole is titled so for this reason: Agape love is that unconditional love that we experience from God; we can only experience it with each other when we are truly vulnerable, completely honest with one another. That's where I'm trying to get. I'm taking the first step.

And I'm terribly afraid. Afraid of the repercussions. Afraid of how my honesty is going to affect my relationship with the closest person in my life right now. Just afraid.

Psalm 51

1 Have mercy on me, O God, according to your unfailing love; according to your great compassion blot out my transgressions. 2 Wash away all my iniquity and cleanse me from my sin. 3 For I know my transgressions, and my sin is always before me. 4 Against you, you only, have I sinned and done what is evil in your sight, so that you are proved right when you speak and justified when you judge. 5 Surely I was sinful at birth, sinful from the time my mother conceived me. 6 Surely you desire truth in the inner parts; you teach me wisdom in the inmost place. 7 Cleanse me with hyssop, and I will be clean; wash me, and I will be whiter than snow. 8 Let me hear joy and gladness; let the bones you have crushed rejoice. 9 Hide your face from my sins and blot out all my iniquity. 10 Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me. 11 Do not cast me from your presence or take your Holy Spirit from me. 12 Restore to me the joy of your salvation and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me. 13 Then I will teach transgressors your ways, and sinners will turn back to you. 14 Save me from bloodguilt, O God, the God who saves me, and my tongue will sing of your righteousness. 15 O Lord, open my lips, and my mouth will declare your praise. 16 You do not delight in sacrifice, or I would bring it; you do not take pleasure in burnt offerings. 17 The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise. 18 In your good pleasure make Zion prosper; build up the walls of Jerusalem. 19 Then there will be righteous sacrifices, whole burnt offerings to delight you; then bulls will be offered on your altar.


Here's the background as what it would be like in today's standards: He skips out on work, spies like a creeper on some married chick who's bathing on her roof, uses his power to beckon her to him for reasons about which she is clueless, sleeps with her behind her husband's back, knocks her up, tries to cover it up by getting her husband to sleep with her (which could never work now, since we have wonderful shows like Maury to create big drama about the DNA testing [David, the DNA test shows that you ARE the father...]), and then has him murdered to finally resolve the situation. Then after all is said and done, some guy WAY below his social class comes up to him and puts what he did wrong right in his face. He probably could have had this guy killed, too.

Soap opera much?

But the given scripture is why David was the man after God's own heart.

David effed it up pretty well. And fortunately, he had a guy like Nathan to come up to him and be like, "Hey moron, do you realize what you did? Remember what you stand for? Remember whose you are?"

David listened to Nathan.

He was humbled.

And he cried out to God.

This scripture was brought back to my attention this weekend as I was (indirectly) helping someone with an issue with which he was dealing in his life. But for me the scripture reminded me once again that even the best of us fall short (Rom 3:23). I like David a lot. He's real and you can tell that he felt passionately strong emotions, which are evident throughout the Psalms. He doesn't sugarcoat things in his conversations with God. When he's frustrated, he lets God know. Or when he's happy. Or thankful.

Or feeling guilty and shamed.

I screw up a lot. Some of them have been "bigger" than others, and I use quotes only because all sins are equal. Yet God still loves. Even when I feel unlovable, when I don't love myself, when I feel dirty and broken, he loves.

The verse that really hit me this time was verse 12: Restore to me the joy of your salvation and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me.

For a while, I really had made my relationship with God a burdensome thing. A responsibility. A requirement. Another item on the LONG to-do list. I had to go to church. I had to go to chapel. I had to do this Bible study.

I'd lost my passion. I'd lost my joy. And I'm finally starting to recapture them.