Oh, Nazareth.

Love hurts. 

Or, at least it can.

It can hurt in all forms. At every level of relationship. I suppose if it didn't, it wouldn't truly be love.

Love is the ultimate in high risk, high reward phenomena.

The shy, little kid...

I come across a lot of the time as a really outgoing, happy-go-lucky guy. Between giving tours for admissions, singing in chapel, dressing up ridiculously for basketball games, and my position on SGA, I spend a lot of time putting myself out in front of people.

Most of the time, I feel like the little boy who used to run behind his mom's dress to hide whenever people would try to talk to me.

Wishing my life away...

I legitimately hate a few of my classes this semester.

Previously if I was struggling/frustrated with a class, I at least enjoyed the learning portion, but I just thought the tests were ridiculous. This semester I have 3 classes that I can't stand- I feel like two of them are a waste of my time and in the third I have to deal with a professor who constantly seems to be making sarcastic, condescending remarks to us, but I can never fully tell because the entire thing is in Spanish. 

Awesome.

I think I've said that I want this semester to be over just about every day for the past few weeks.

And then I have times, such as right now, when I reflect on such statements. Do I really want to wish away the next 5 weeks of my life? What would that mean...

That would mean five fewer weeks of enjoying the awesome school I'm at, where I get to be surrounded by awesome God-followers who care about me and my well-being. That would mean 32 (I can do math, it's just that we're already part way through this week) fewer days of time to create new relationships and strengthen the ones I've already begun to develop. It would mean thousands of fewer opportunities to show Christ's love and to see it present in my life through others.

I'm a junior now. I've got 3-4 semesters left here...that's for another blog altogether. But I'm realizing how quickly this all will be coming to an end. Do I really want it to come that much more quickly? 

Accountability

I really don't enjoy confrontational settings. I don't like to be the bad guy.

Tonight I noticed a certain habit that one of my friends has apparently acquired. I was actually quite shocked when I found out, and I didn't really know how to handle it. Not only did I not expect it of the person, but I was surprised that they were doing said habit so openly on our Christian campus. Maybe the second part shouldn't surprise me so deeply. But it did. And it brought up some scars.

I now find myself back at the point where I feel as if I need to say something to said friend. And I'm not sure how. I feel that I've built a reasonable level of respect to "confront" said person with the situation. I just don't want to come off as condescending or attacking. I don't want to be the SGA member looking down. I don't want to be the person who thinks he knows what he's talking about and butts into other people's business.

I just want to be a friend. I want it to be obvious that my action is out of love, out of deep caring.

I'm scared as hell that I might lose another friend.

Things I Never Understood Completely Until Now...

1 Corinthians 13:4-8

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices in the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. 

Love NEVER FAILS.

As I was in the shower this morning, I thought about how badly I handled a certain situation in my life last night. I realized that I had completely missed the point of love.

I wasn't patient.

I was trying to force those amazing moments, making them the basis of the friendship. I was looking past the person to the wonderful spiritual conversations I'd had with him/her. Trying to force a constant spiritual high instead of letting God just move.

I wasn't kind/was rude.

Most of the time I was. But at the last moment, I said probably the second worst thing that I could have said, just below I hate you. And I found myself in immediate regret.

I was envious/self-seeking.

I realize that now. I was being selfish about love. I wasn't loving truly, for I was expecting return. I thought that I deserved the friendship. I thought I deserved it more at that moment than others.I expected return that wasn't feasible. I thought to myself that I was making the effort and wanted to be met halfway, when I really wanted the other person to come fully my way. It was I who wouldn't compromise.

I was easily angered.

Something I've prided myself in, which ironically is one of the other areas in which I failed, has been keeping my temper. Being a peacemaker. Staying calm. And I was the polar opposite last night.

I kept a record of wrongs.

The root of my anger. I let things build up. I don't talk about them at the time and express my feelings in a healthy way. I let them build. And I guess I was harboring silent bitterness and frustration that I myself didn't even understand. But I did have that stupid mental record.

I didn't protect.

I said that this was what I was trying to do. I did in some ways. But I failed in the most important way; I couldn't protect the person from me.

I didn't trust.

Which, I guess I discovered from the situation that trust isn't warranted one hundred percent of the time, but in this case, I was never given a legitimate reason not to trust before.

I didn't hope.

I wasn't hoping. I was expecting the worst. The very worst. And I almost got it.

I didn't persevere.

I gave up. Getting angry was the easy result. As was writing a letter. I should have called in the first place and just asked to talk for two minutes.

Love never fails.

I failed you in the greatest way. I did the one thing that I told myself I'd try to never do again- let you down. I know that you've forgiven me already, but I still feel like I don't deserve it. I guess I still need to forgive myself.

I could go on an on with the should haves and wish I would haves, but it won't do any good. I've learned. I've hurt someone and hurt myself by seeing them hurt and knowing it was the result of my actions.

I know what I do to God on a regular basis. And He still loves me.

I don't think I really understood love until just now.

About the Title...The Fallout

I did it. It was probably the toughest thing I've done in my life. The reaction was good. Then bad. Then not-so-bad.

And I think I'm still ok. A lot of tears. A lot of pain. But in the end, I'm okay.

I made it through it. I became vulnerable to the friend who matters the most. I'm still a bit unnerved, but I'm growing stronger. And I think I'll be able to continue making my title true.

Hold Me Jesus

'Cause I'm shaking like a leaf

You have been King of my glory

Would you be my Prince of peace?

About the Title...

I'm scared. More nervous than I can ever remember being in my life. 

My blog as a whole is titled so for this reason: Agape love is that unconditional love that we experience from God; we can only experience it with each other when we are truly vulnerable, completely honest with one another. That's where I'm trying to get. I'm taking the first step.

And I'm terribly afraid. Afraid of the repercussions. Afraid of how my honesty is going to affect my relationship with the closest person in my life right now. Just afraid.